Today is your 20th birthday....September 11, 2008.... It has been over 20 months since you left us...20 months, I cannot believe that is has been so long... Some of the time that has passed is very clear, but it has mostly been a blur, almost like a bad dream. 

I cannot sleep tonight...I have tried, but it is not going to happen, I fear. The dogs (Rex, Abigail and Sid) are sleeping in my bed and I am sure they are enjoying taking my place tonight.

There are still so many difficult days and nights I go through thinking about you, I am so sad that you are "frozen in time" at the age of 18.

There is not a day that passes that I do not think of you and look back fondly on the many, many good times we all shared.

Your picture is on my computer screen at work, and there are many times when I talk to you and ask your opinion about things I am contemplating!

The pain is so great, the ache in my chest and heart is still almost unbearable, I cannot stand the thought of you being gone. I do not want my memories to get cloudy, I do not want my grief to be dulled by the passage of time.

I go into your room occasionally and lay in your bed, I sit in your chair at your desk, I look out of your window, I miss you so much Chris, my heart is broken, it is broken forever...

I love you, and I miss you!

Dad

Chris, 

As I lay in bed each night I close my eyes and remember the feeling of holding you and the feeling of both of your hands in my hands as we danced........

I talked you into taking those ballroom dancing classes with me, and you agreed although you made me promise not to tell anyone as I am sure you figured your friends and others would give you a hard time.  I told you that it would not be too many years until you would be attending the weddings of friends and maybe even your own and  that girls really liked a guy that could dance so this would be a good skill for you to learn.  I don't really think that this is what convinced you to take the classes with me, I think you really took them to make me happy, but you were such a good sport when we went and a far better dancer than I could ever hope to be.  We were the only mother and son, all other couples were traditional, and so many people commented to me how wonderful it was that I had a son that would take these classes with me.  

I always imagined that one day we would be at a wedding and that we would go out on the dance floor and show off those dancing skills that no one knew we had.  I also imagined that many girls would be impressed by your dancing skills over the next decade.  I never imagined that you would never get to even use these skills.  None the less, I am so glad to have taken these classes with you.  The memories of laughing together as we tried to master these skills, of holding you in may arms and your hands in mine are so precious.  When close my eyes I can sometimes feel the feeling of dancing with you and look so forward to the day when I might dance with you again in heaven.  





I miss and love you so and can't wait until the day when we can dance together once again.  

Love, 
Mom